I don’t even know where to begin when it comes to the subject of being a ‘pet parent’. But the one fact I do know about being a 40 something childless woman is that I don’t want your pity. And the simple fact that giving birth to a human child doesn’t make you more of a woman. It just doesn’t.
I am part of that group of women that can’t have kids. I’ve had one miscarriage and then nothing after that. And after a few years, I became okay with that fact. Don’t get me wrong, I always wanted children, especially a little girl! But it seemed that that just wasn’t in the cards. Heck my husband and I have considered adoption, but for reasons I’m not to sure about , we just haven’t made that final step. And that’s okay. I am having fun in my 40’s and there is so much I want to do in the world of dog agility, my career (opening a pet food store) and travel. But I don’t think I’m being selfish, because I know that when the time comes to adopt, that child that is meant to be with us will be…. but if that doesn’t happen I’m okay with that too.
I really wanted to title this post ‘I’m a pet parent, so shut the f*(k up’, but that felt to harsh. Even though I haven’t let it bother me over the years, there was one final straw that broke this camels back. I guess this resulted in years of hearing and seeing the look on people’s faces when I tell them I can’t have children. A few weeks ago something happened at a charity event my husband and I were attending for his work. When meeting a girl-friend of a fellow attorney she began asking me questions. Not that big of a deal, normal questions like what do you do, etc. Then she asked me THE question “Do you have any kids?” I’ve answered this question it seems like a million times so I didn’t think it was that big of a deal and answered, ‘No.’ Then the next question, which I felt a little inappropriate, “Why Not?” but I answered anyway, “Because I can’t” . With that she looked at me, made a sad frowny face and said “Awww”, all while trying to reach out to me and give me a hug. WHAT THE HELL!! Being in a situation where people were watching, I immediately pushed her away and told her not to pity me as politely as possible without causing a scene. I’m not to sure what happened shortly there after, but from that moment on and the rest of the evening she knew that I did not want to talk to her.
So why do I not need or want your pity? Simply put I am very happy with my life and with my “kids”. Yes, I refer to my Shih Tzus as my “kids”. Why? Because I am caring for and raising little beings.
According to dictionary.com the definition of parent is:
- a father or a mother.
- an ancestor, precursor, or progenitor.
- a source, origin, or cause.
- a protector or guardian.
- Biology. any organism that produces or generates another.
- Physics. the first nuclide in a radioactive series.
I am a protector and guardian of 4 little lives. As a pet parent I do the following as any parent would do:
- Love – I show love with hugs, kisses and lots of affection
- Nutrition – I make sure my “kids” are fed a well-balanced diet. Which for me includes feeding a raw diet composed of free range meats and organic fruits and vegetables.
- Health – They see the veterinarian regularly. And just like any other parent would I have discussions on the safety of vaccinations and other health issues that may be of concern.
- Education – as a responsible pet parent I make sure my girls have been taught manners and even have gone the extra step of teaching my girls how to control their emotions. If you are wondering how I have taught them to control their emotions take a minute and consider this. While out on a walk with your dog, when your dog sees another dog do they go crazy pulling at the leash and begin barking? Yup this is an emotion they are feeling, one of excitement and the inability to control it. It takes time to teach a dog to control their emotions and learn to react in an appropriate manner
- Exercise & Fun – Yes my girls, especially Riley enjoys going to agility or lure coursing. We even enjoy swimming in the summer! We play games that not only help expend a little energy, but also give a little mental stimulation.
- Family trips – at least once a year we take the girls to the beach. I have a couple of favorites including Carmel, CA & Crissy Field in San Francisco.
- Comfort & Security – I am the one they run to when things go bump in the night, or when thunder and lightning storms become a little too frightening.
I understand full well that I will not be worrying about my ‘kids’ getting into drugs, being in a car accident at 17, or any number of horrible things that can happen to a human child. But I do have fears.
- Fire – more than anything in the world I worry about a fire breaking out in my house and killing my animals because they do not have the ability to get out of the house.
- Illness – unlike a child, my ‘kids’ don’t have the ability to tell me if something hurts, or why they are feeling sick. It’s a guessing game when one of my girls goes into the vets.
Unfortunately when most people’s children are heading off to college, getting married, landing their first real job I will have been mourning the loss of Chicky, Trixie, Katie and my baby Riley. My heart will have been broken many times over…but don’t ever pity me. I know they are dogs, but they are the little beings I am choosing to raise, they give me love and isn’t that what every parent wants?
I am also with out human children, by choice, but I think the rudest thing people can ask you is why. I totally understand the need to ask the question about children when meeting someone as you are looking for common ground to have things to discuss and make small talk about, but there are certain societal rules you should just never break; never ask a woman if she is pregnant, never ask about politics or religion (unless you are at an event for one or the other), and do not delve into topics that could result in pain. Why a person doesn’t have a child can have so many different reasons and some of them are painful and are not polite conversation.
I knew from age nine that I wasn’t having children.. I probably knew before that, but that is the age I’m guessing was the first time my mother threatened me with ‘wait till you have kids’.. When I got married at age 19, immediately the question became when are you having children.. which I would answer we aren’t planning on any, and inevitably I would get the sales pitch for kids.. so I stopped being polite about it and simply responded “when you have them for me”. it is amazing how quickly people stopped asking me after that..
I am also not a fan of people who degrade the pet/human experience of parenting. There is no version of that that in some way does not pertain to human experience of parenting. Didn’t give birth to it.. well neither did the adoptive parent. It won’t ever ask to borrow the car, well neither will a severely handicapped child. Parenting is parenting. Maybe it isn’t as complicated to parent a cat or dog vs a human child, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t parenting.
So true Connie… I couldn’t agree with you more. I have absolutely loved everyone’s response to this post.Honestly I am starting to believe those that parent dogs are cats are a lot more considerate of other peoples feelings.
This is fantastic! Thank you for sharing exactly how I feel. No wonder we were fast friends. You have a beautiful way of articulating something that so many women can relate too. Thank you.
Kimberly Gauthier recently posted…Serendipitous Saturday | Dog Toy or Sex Toy? Phallic Dog Toys are a Hit!
Hi Y’all!
My Human is in the same boat you. Once she was so annoyed when someone asked “why not”, she answered “what business is it of yours?” A good response to any inquiry that is too personal.
Y’all come on by,
Hawk aka BrownDog
Hawk aka BrownDog recently posted…Summer Sunday
I also consider my kitties my “children.” I can relate to so much of what you’re saying here. You don’t need to have a human child in order to have a fulfilling life. 🙂
Fur Everywhere recently posted…Happy Father’s Day!
What a well thought out and articulated post. I applaud you. As someone who can’t have kids – and because I’m single – am largely disqualified from adopting, my four dachshunds are my babies. I attend to their needs like I would any toddler. Because, to me, that’s what they are and always will be…furry toddlers who will always depend on me for social cues, protection, food, healthcare, etc.
Cole recently posted…Five on Friday
This post is amazing; and it’s come to my attention more than ever before that people seem to be bothered by the term “parent” being used in regards to pets. For reasons I don’t fully understand some people like to criticize what other people call themselves – I really don’t understand why it bothers anyone. And yes the definition of parent is perfectly fitting for many; it shouldn’t be treated as a competition of whose “job” is tougher. At the end of the day family is family & love is love – and I chose my dog to be a part of my family and I love her dearly.
Jen Gabbard recently posted…Weekly Roundup 19 – Our Favorite Dog Stories, Deals, & Videos
LOVE! I have read so many great responses to the original piece about pet parents. Jared and I refer to ourselves as “mom” and “dad” when referring to our Riley, and I actually do the same to others – “You’re such a good dog mom”, etc. I have never seen anything wrong with it and had no idea anyone else would until I saw that article. The truth is, Jared and I are choosing not to have children…not right now, and probably not in the future either. It’s just not something we see in our future. And why is that anyone’s business but ours? There are so many judgmental people out there who see you as less of a woman if you don’t have children, breastfeed, or do natural childbirth; I don’t understand why they care so much about what others choose to do. I love your response – sharing!
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Great post! I firmly believe that it takes more to be a mom than simply birthing a baby. In fact, I know some women who did that part but hardly deserve to be called “mom”. You are absolutely, positively a mom to your sweet furballs, and anyone who doesn’t understand that or wants to question it isn’t worth your time.
Btw, you look gorgeous in these photos! 🙂
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LOL – Loved this post. the other day, someone told me when they call my phone and heard my voicemail message (I talk about being out and about with my boys) she was under the impression I had two little boys. Really? I’m 58 years old – anyway… when she heard they were dogs, she seemed troubled. I told her pretty much the same thing you wrote about. I told her I parented two human children, and very often taking care of Harley and Jax is the exact same. Food, shelter, love and care. Some folks really need to think long and hard before opening their mouths. I liked this post, I relate to all of it. Let’s start a club – t-shirts and all 🙂
I can’t imagine what it is like to not be able to have children and get the questions but I know what it is like to say you don’t, and don’t want to, have kids and get it. I almost feel like it’s more ok if you physically can’t have them, although I, too, would be irritated with “pity”. People can’t seem to understand how I could choose not to have them. I’ve gotten everything from “you’ll change your mind later” to “but who is going to take care of you when you are old?”. When you choose not to have children, people often think there is something wrong with you mentally. I just tell them that I don’t have kids. I have dogs and they are good enough for me.
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Very well said!
Rachel Sheppard recently posted…Tuggo: Revolutionizing Dog Toys #Giveaway
I am totally with you on this one! I don’t have any kids either and for some reason people think that is unacceptable. Personally, I’ve never had the desire to have children. I had a rough childhood and becoming an adult was an escape for me. It’s not about pity, it’s about moving on and bettering myself. My feline “kids” are perfect for my needs and lifestyle. I do all of the same things that you listed too 🙂
Robin recently posted…What I Learned at BlogPaws 2015
Great post. I’m a 48 year old pet parent myself.
Carleen recently posted…When Your Dog Has Lymphoma
Some people ask the weirdest questions… I don’t understand why people feel like they need to ask “why don’t you have kids?” or “when are you having kids?” MAYBE if they were very close friends or family members it might be better. But people you just met? I find it a little insensitive and personal. There’s nothing wrong with considering your pets as your children 🙂
Ann Staub recently posted…Pawsome Pet of the Week – Jax the Goldendoodle Puppy
I find it so annoying that after people who meet us ask if we are married and we say yes, there next question is almost always ‘do you have kids?’ Why do people assume everyone has human kids just because they are married? I always reply I have two dogs. My girls are my babies and I am proud of it. It would be nice if people would be less judgmental.
Jennifer recently posted…Los Angeles Dog Adoption Of The Week – Meet Betty
Hmmm… seems to me the answer, each and every time, is, “Yes, I do!” And you whip out pictures of your kids. Your fur kids. And if anyone further questions your parenthood, you smile and say, “Tell me about your kids. I bet they would love to meet my kids!”
End of conversation.
I wrote a post about this on Scratchings and Sniffings, and I HAVE 3 kids. And 4 grandchildren. I mean, human ones. LOL Here’s my version… http://www.scratchingsandsniffings.com/2015/04/i-am-a-pet-mom-so-there.html
What a true post, and very well said. We pet parents just adore our pets.
sumskersandearlskers13.blogspot.com
Earl Lover recently posted…Trick Training
I’m in the “no human kids” boat, but as far as I know, I can reproduce – which translates to many as “you’re selfish”or “you’ll change your mind” when I answer the “Do you have kids” questions and rude follow ups. All I’ve ever wanted is dogs, since I was a little kid. I find it challenging to explain this to people, either with “My clock never started ticking” and my new favorite “Let me tell you about the concept of Zero Population Growth.” That last one is working like a charm… as soon as I start quoting UN stats that estimate the population will reach 9.6 billion by 2050. I’m pretty sure they think I’m a nut!
Amy recently posted…Study Says Watching Cat Videos Boosts Energy, Positive Emotions [Video]
I’m 48 and don’t have kids. I never wanted kids and I don’t apologize for that. If people ask why I don’t have kids – which is rare – I tell them the truth: I don’t like babies. At all. That usually shuts down the conversation quickly.
Frankly, it’s none of people’s business why. I can’t believe they even ask. You don’t need to give them an explanation – just ask them why they never got a nose job (especially if it’s obvious they didn’t).
Sherri recently posted…1,800-Pound Clydesdale Rescued from Ditch in Baltimore County
I do call myself a pet parent but I don’t call myself Henrietta’s “mom.” If I did I think my human kids would have me committed! I love this post as a response to those people who get so bent out of shape. What I call my furry family is my own business. Love this!
I am almost 47 and do not have human kids, however for more years than I can count, I have been a mother to many furry children. It angers me when people ask “Why don’t you have kids?” and look at you like you are a gutless wretch of a woman. I don’t begrudge anyone who has human children. They wanted them, they got them. Not everyone wants children nor can have them, as in your case. So what? We can be furparents and chances are our furchildren will be treated better than many families human kids. I love to hear pet parents speak out loud and clear about their choices. Unfortunately, we shouldn’t have to justify ourselves to anyone about our children.
Rock on girly!
Pibbles & Me
While I have human kids, I know a lot of women who are 40+ who do not. Every one of them lives a fulfilling life and has found her own happiness. I am glad you are happy with the life you have. Your dogs are lucky to have you! I find it very frustrating when people think everyone needs to have the same things in life in order to be happy. I love my own children very much, but if I hadn’t ever had kids, I think I would still be a happy and fulfilled individual.
Beth | Daily Dog Tag recently posted…Happy Tails: Lucy
Well put. Giving birth does not ‘make’ someone a parent at all. Just means they gave birth. MOUSES!
Purrs,
Seville
Seville at Nerissa’s Life recently posted…the old lady
While i have 4 (human) kids, my nephew also lives with us. He has for years. and I consider him as much my kid as the others. He’s just one of the kids that we can’t claim on taxes but are still responsible for in every other way. The other kids are Louie, Jill and Margo, and we love those 4-leggers just as much as we do our 2-leggers. I completely get this.
Teaching Ruby to control her emotions will be a lifelong process, haha! The parallels you draw are right on. Whatever the reason, by choice or not, having dogs in our lives instead of children (or along with children as many do) is just another kind of love. Love should be celebrated in all forms, not criticized.
Momma is a pet parent and we are her kids and proud of it
Lily & Edward
Amen! And from the look of things, you are an exceptional mom!
Well said! Thank you,
I too am a child-less woman in her 4os raising 1 Shih Tzu child (lost his twin brother last year).
After being treated like I was over-reacting after losing my fur kid last year because it was ‘Just a dog’ I started to realize
I am looked at as an outcast for caring so deeply for my furkids. The only folks that ‘get it’ are those that have furkids of their own.
I appreciate your words in a world who wont allow me to use mind to explain my relationship or feelings with my ‘dogs’
🙂